Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Does this Smartphone make my thumbs look fat?

My wonderful man bought me a new phone today. An upgrade to the Samsung 4G.  With a sparkly silver case. He said "This is change". I nodded. I understood.
My hand immediately grasped for the slideout keyboard.
Where was it?
Uh huh, he said.
No more keyboards.


I began to type what should have been a text to a good friend saying Sorry for your loss...
My smart phone didn't agree with the sentiment.
It said.. "Sorry for your loss ! :):)--->happy face

Oh dear.

As we proceed into the future, oh dearest Technology wizards and warlocks and whippersnappers, Oh my...

Please remember, the phone may be bigger, better, slimmer, faster, and know to say Cheese for a photo...

But my beautiful big monkey thumbs aren't getting any smaller as the keyboard continues to shrink.
I spoke my true feelings holding the phone to my nose. I told the smart phone I was whining.

Phone: Did you want to purchase wine?


Phone: I'm sorry, I didnt get that. Did you say you were Fine?


Phone: I'm sorry, I didn't get that.. Are you still on the line?


Not anymore.

I know. It's revolutionary. Instead of texting, tweeting, digging, redigging, gramming, googling and binging, how about I just call you?
I can call you.
My phone told me so. 

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

The Dog ate my x*nax.. and other tales from Old Critter Watchers (both human and non..)

I should have seen the signs..

Restlessness. Agitation. Short attention span. Whining, listless glances out the window.

But enough about me.. lets focus on Samantha, aka Sammy..

To chew or eschew to chew, that is the question.. The object of her desire? Well, if its within reach, it must be a peach. Now mind you, I am careful not to share my bad habits around tiny human forms, yet Sammy's sleuthlike stalking defeated even the most vigilant of vigilantes.. a  Mom.. a Great Aunt.. an Owl watcher, a HMD (High Maintenance Diva) Foiled..

The package of cigarettes (I'm not saying they are mine) were strewn about the floor in various stages of decomposition.. none seemed to be ingested thankfully, although part of the waterproof box was depleted.

The medicine bottle lay on its side amidst the tobacccy ruins like a chewed dead soldier.  Fortunately the Child Proof Cap was also Sammy Proof: no tablets were ingested during the synopsis of this story. Which is very very fortunate for me, as although I wont disclose the contents of the bottle, lets just say it helps relieve babysitting anxiety and rhymes with Annex, or.. Dont Panicx.. or... happy happy happy me. Had Sammy infiltrated, she may have had some competition on the floor rallying up the last portions. Or sleeping with a happy smile on her face.

What came to us as a dog with just doggie issues now seems to need an intervention.

In the circle of chairs Sammy refused to sit. rather, she galloped round in circles. Coffee and biscotti were served, but she was more interested in eating the cat's Friskie Whitefish Deluxe wet food. I had to admit, being on a diet to lose 3 pounds, it didnt look too awful distasteful.

Everyone, welcome Sammy, our newest member. Sammy recently took up smoking and alm0st took up non anxiety pills.  "Hi Sammy"

Sammy, tell us how you feel..

Woof... lick.. lick lick..

Sammy, tell us how you really feel...

Woof... snort.. WOoooooof

Oddly enough, I felt the same way. There comes a point in a woman of a certain age's life where she thinks the kid, pet, snake, fish, lizard, turtle watching days are over.

Oh the irony, as the circle is not only round, it is teeming with futility trying to remember the rules of fair and assertive parenting, and / or dog training.

it all boils down to the basics: keep firm, don't bargain, pick your battles, and get a rug shampooer.

Oh wait, that's how to deal with a terrorist. Except for the shampooer.

I think the rest of the week will go fairly well now that Sammy has a support group to share her anxieties, and my purse is lodged on the highest shelf of the closet.

Im not sharing my Xa.. my um, "annex"  however... that corridor is all mine. It is a long winding journey that ends at the  door when you wave goodbye to all the grands and their respective pets, and turn to your wonderful partner, kiss.. and drop from exhaustion to the ground. We owlie folks call it faceplanting. We old people call it.. well, being old.

Next time Sammy visits, I will be more vigilant. I will be able to read the signs more carefully.

As soon as I replace the glasses she chewed.

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Life is like a cup of delicious chocolate coffee... moments from the Man behind the Owl, Carlos Royal

At 3:00 am PST, 7:00 am EST, Carlos Royal, the man behind Molly and McGee,
sat at his kitchen table with a cup of chocolate coffee and talked to 5,000 people as if he "were talking to one person".

This man is truly amazing. His Carlowlisims...simple views on life and this owl
phenomenon have awed and inspired him. I saw one chat room member refer to him
as the Poster Grandpa....and how true that is.

Here are some of his quotes from this morning:

"Molly is the Diva. We are all just along for the ride"

"I get a 1/2 days work done before the world even wakes up"

His coffee recipe, which he stood up and shared with all of us...

Hot water (in the Molly Mug of course)
One BIG cup of Ghiardelli Chocolate (free plug)
One BIG cup of Folgers Instant
One BIG scoop of heavy whipping cream".

Regarding his 'high tech" prowess with the webcams:

"I try to keep a healthy lifestyle so my brain stays alert. I'm pushing alot of buttons here and hoping everything goes right. But there is no red light to tell
me if I'm recording".

"My grandson,Austin, will be here at 5:00 am to help me with the videos...(Yes, a teenager, up at 5 am, helping his grandfather...).

Regarding his empty nest: Yes, we have had kids, and many pets..and we are glad they are all gone (he adds just kidding of course)..Donna is a cat person, and they have had over 9 kitties at a time.

Regarding the viewers who worry about the eggs:

"I am not a worrywart. You have to live your life. If you spend 90% of your time worrying, you are wasting time thinking of things that will never happen"

His favorite memories so far include being in the chat room with 20 people, and asking everyone to email their friends so they could get it up to 40 people.

Re: Ebooks, Chat Mods, etc..
"No one is making any personal money fact, people are donating their time and volunteering and it's probably costing them money... so please donate by buying the Ebook.."

My personal favorite:

"I saw a cartoon that said that Molly was on the phone signing a seven figure Reality Show deal. He stops and chuckles, and says "I don't think so".. but if any of those bigshots from Hollywood want to give me a call, I'll be happy to talk to them."

Carlos Gump: Life is like a cup of chocolate your life worrywart free. Be Nice. Don't argue.

I just love this man. And that's all I have to say about that.

Angela Barbeisch, Diva on a rant

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Why we're Mad about Molly..

Molly the Owl, the internet sensation, along with her husband, McGee, and four owlets have been taking up much of my time lately.

I'm watching people in a chatroom come together from all corners of the world,
observing, commenting and living vicariously through Molly and the care of her owls.

Each of us sees a part of us in Molly.

We see the exhausted Mother, endlessly caring for her chicks..

Her sweetness..her kindess..and yes, she does tend to get her feathers ruffled occasionally.

Let's admit it: we're fascinated watching her rip a bunny to shreds and feed it to her brood. We're content when all have been fed, and Molly tucks everyone away under her wing.

We all want the simplicity of Molly's life, that which nature has bestowed on a certain few.

She doesn't have the electric bill to fret about. She has her youngest,Austin, pouting in a corner.

She doesn't care about the latest political environment or health care issues. She cares about when her husband, McGee, is finally going to arrive with dinner.

Because, for heaven's sake, she's gotta feed these kids!

And woe to McGee if he just comes for the booty call, and no food. OUT he goes.

Wouldn't it be great to be able to call the same shots?

"Honey..all I need is a few rabbits, rats and gophers. No, I don't expect you to babysit, or watch the kids so I can grab an DevOWL Dog, or Hostess Cowl Cake.

I love the warmth this has generated due to the great couple Carlos and Donna Royal of San Marcos California, who set the owl box up.

In this crazy world, it's nice to kick back and watch another Mommy doing all the work, and asking nothing in return.

Sorta like Grandma/Auntie benefits. You watch and enjoy, but then you turn the camera off and send the kids back to Momma.

Molly has helped fill my empty nest with joy. And that's all I'm gonna say about that.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Livin for my hair....

As a woman of a certain age, forces of grey roots descend as relentlessly as the tide. Most fortunately, my good friends at Focus Salon do an extraordinary job of fighting my battles for me.

Sometimes you just want to change your look. So I did.

Most people liked it. But there are things you dread to hear..
"Oh.. you changed your hair." (Silence) (Crickets chirping..)
"Was your hair this color yesterday?"
"COOL hair Mrs. look like my grandma now!"
"I have a great hot oil treatment I can recommend"
"Wow, that's different. Are you going to keep it that way?"

My personal favorite from a male patron at the Library:
"Whoa.. you colored your hair. Does your husband approve of it?"

Just look at Bon Jovi's locks... Gorgeous. Timeless. Any color, any style.

Do you think anyone asked HIM if his wife approved of his hair color?

Going back to brunette now..if the snow lets up enough for me to get to
the salon. About as much chance of that happening as stopping the aging
process. But as Jon says:
Hold on...We're half way there..whoahh ohhh...Livin' on a prayer

I bet Bon Jovi doesn't have to pray for the snow plow guy to get his hair
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Diva on a Rant.. by Angela Barbeisch.. February 2010

Friday, February 12, 2010

When did "sick" become a good thing..or Understanding the jargon of your kid's Generation Y- Part 1

Some vocabulary translations to assist you in understanding
those born between 1982-2000

"Sick": anything very cool, admirable or noteworthy of compliment
"That outfit is sick."
What we call it: A fake reason to take a day off from work and/or
a child costing us $500 for yet another emergency room visit.

"Creeping" and/or "creepin".. to visit/analyze/contemplate on someone else's business
Example: "My mom's been creepin' on my facebook page again and/or MMBCOMFBA"
(online DaVinci Code version)
What we call it: Good Parenting

"tight": anything that sounds perfect or smooth, or entertains melodically or visually.
Example: "That SAW video is tight."
What we call it: "tight"- Pantyhouse that cut off the flow of blood to our abdomens, and/or underwire bras that sliced the midsection like a Ginsui knife.
What our Grandmothers called it: Girdles
"Fronting" and/or "Frontin.." to incite an argument or altercation using one's body language in a menacing or annoying manner. Also, to pretend to be something you aren't to get your way.
Example: "She was all frontin' in my face and I was like, back right the hell off b*!@."
What we call it: One more word:
Example: "ONE MORE WORD...just ONE MORE WORD and I'll give you something to cry about.."
"Just wait til your father gets home."

Angela Barbeisch..Diva on a Rant Feb. 2010

Wednesday, February 10, 2010


As a woman of a certain age, I recently had a meet-n-greet with
a Doctor Y regarding the fabulous fifty prerequisite

I sat on the uncomfortable exam table while he began to explain the
procedure. So much fodder for another story, but this tail..uh tale
focuses on something extremely different. My mole. On my NECK.

"So, we prowceed to entah the colon area and....(He stops. Stares at me.
My neck, specifically.)

"How long you have dat mole", he inquires with great interest.

"M-mole?", I reply, subtly covering my neck.. "Um, this? I point.
"All my life".

"Hmm...that mole veddy big. Veddy big mole."

"Yes, it is.. I said. Always has been. Sorta my signature look, ya know..."

He continued to stare, and then with reluctance, referred back to the
colon chart.

"Once the camerah is praced in the colon, it begins to"... Turn. Stop. Stare.

"That mole too veddy big. Makes cancer. That mole go when we do
colonoscopy. Snip Snip, gone".

"No snip, snip.."I reply. "No gone. I like my mole."

"NO NO we snip snip and it go away...just like dat...."

And I'm gonna make like a tree and leave... just like that....

Fortunately my little sis is a doc. "Absolutely, under no condition,
do you allow that man to touch your mole. Go to a skin specialist..have
it checked out."

But Maria..why was he so fascinated by my mole?

"Well, what do you think he NORMALLY looks at everyday??

Ahhhhhh...and therein lies the rub.

So..lesson learned..that's why we have specialists. Don't do anything
without a second opinion. You may lose something, like a defenseless little

Learn your options.

Like Al Pacino said....

"Say goodnight to the bad guy"...

"Say hello to my little friend......"

Angela Barbeisch.. February 2010